9th July 2026
I lost her completely
It was the 12th date from her demise. It’s
the day when a feast is organized for the relatives and friends of the deceased
person according to Hindu customs and rituals.
Yes, today I felt I lost her completely.
Until now, I used to feel that her soul was with us,
watching us from a distance and praying for our well-being.
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I could feel the void when I visited my paternal aunt’s
village today. She was the sister of my father, who died on 29th
June, exactly a few hours after I last met her in the ward of the cancer care
hospital. She had been diagnosed with deadly blood cancer about fourteen years ago.
But the last two years were critical for her as she went through rigorous
chemotherapy for the treatment. Chemotherapy often comes with inevitable side
effects. I have seen her going to the hospital regularly with a brave heart and
strong willpower.
I went to her village (her in-laws’ place) after a gap
of many years, where her last rituals were performed.
I went there with my family. Her husband (my uncle)
welcomed us, but with a heavy heart and tears in his eyes. He was gloomy, and
his eyes swelled up because of constantly crying for days. I could feel the agony
of separation at this age. The marital bond used to be strong back then, unlike
today’s generation.
If she were there, she would have welcomed us happily
and offered us our favourite food.
We were offered snacks by her in-laws’ side.
I started searching for her among everyone I met there,
knowing that she is no more.
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There was a clash going on in my head. One part of my brain
knew that I lost her to cancer, and another part was unable to accept this
fact. But my heart was still searching for her warmth and assurance, which I
used to get in my most difficult phase of life.
The phone call from her in the past years to know
about my well-being despite her prolonged illness would heal me in a way I
could never imagine.
I would miss the fact that I would never get a chance to recharge her mobile that I used to do for her every month. I still get the notification, but I feel really sad for not being able to do it this time.
We had our lunch arranged there by my uncle (her
husband). There were a lot of dishes on the menu. It was a pure vegetarian menu
without onion and garlic. It was tasty, but I was feeling heavy inside while
taking each bite, knowing that it was the feast of her demise by ritual.
In whatever functions I attended over the past few
years, I would call her and discuss the menu. She would be happy to listen to
me. But this time, she was not there for a call.
I missed her very much at that moment.
We all went to her room, where the rituals were
performed in the presence of a priest. A photo of her was there with a garland
of flowers over it. A few incense sticks
and earthen lamps were in front of it.
I could not hold my tears and sought her blessings.
After that, we bade adieu to her place and returned home.
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Life is strange sometimes.
We experience grief in different ways. According to Dr.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, there are five stages of grief.
The five core stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These emotions are non-linear. These can occur individually or simultaneously.
The most difficult emotion is acceptance. When you
know that she is no more, but you feel her everywhere in the form of her
memories.
I never knew that departing a soul who is so
protective and caring for you would be so difficult.
I can feel what her husband (my uncle) might have been
going through. He had been very dedicated and caring for her throughout her
journey with cancer for the last fourteen years. It’s quite rare to find such a
commitment in today’s era.
The more I write, the more I feel connected to her and
gloomy at the same time.
I can only pray for her departed soul to be at peace
forever.
May god always bless and protect your soul, Nani.
SWETA SARANGI
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
09-07-2026
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